Trying to be responsible

I have such a hard time writing a post sometimes. I am ADHD, and have such a hard time following through on what I start. I had started a post about an hour ago, but since then I had changed my mind. Now I am going crazy, because I only have 48 minutes left to this day, and I still have not created a post for this 24.

I was looking at my MySpace account today. On there, two of my friends had gotten married. Myself,I have never been legally married. I am not sure that I really want to now.

I have had so many issues with my SO the last few years. I know that we should have gotten married before we decided to have children together. Today, I am not sure that I want to get married to him. I have so many issues of my own to work on. I mentioned before that I just wanted to establish some boundaries with him. I do not feel that I ever have. I just have not exactly decided where these boundaries are at this time. It would be nice if he would reach out and ask for some help sometimes. I realize that he does not see himself as having any issues that need outside help. Sometimes, though, I can see the hurt that people have put on him, and he will do nothing about it. Then again, maybe this really is not hurt and really is anger. Who am I to decide what his emotions are? I do not know, I am so confused about the whole deal. Yes, I had an affair on him. I do notice that there are certain times when he brings it up.

I guess that I need to say how things appear to me and stick to it. Sometimes I do feel like he controls me. I do not know. I do not think that he is consciously trying to do this. I guess that this is what makes me feel for him. I guess that he figures that he treated me like a princess. And it makes me feel bad because I did have the affair on him. I told him that I did not feel that he was supportive of me. I guess that I will give what my idea of being supportive is, and this may help me with more of the post.

TO me, being supportive means listening to a person’s ideas. It means asking how you can help in achieving the goals in life. I guess that a lot of communication is asking questions. He use to ask questions like “What kind of car do you think we should get?” Maybe I should have given him more of an answer to that. You know, do research and see what I really want and such. Sometimes when he asks about what I want for dinner, I really do not know. I do not know, now I am seeing how I was not as supportive to him.

Of course, he is thinking that I should be doing things for him. I am starting to get a bit angry here. I do things for me first, and then the children. He just happens to benefit from it. I clean the house because I want to live in a clean house. If I want to get any satisfaction from this, It need to come from within me. I keep up on the laundry because it stresses me out to have a pile of laundry that is dirty.

I know that I have a lot of issues to take care of, and I am trying to do something about them, I know that having an affair did not help out any. Sometimes I get confused. Are these problems just because of the differences between men and women-differences that I just have to accept? I wish I knew.

Well, this is enough from me for now.

Until L8R-